Our trip didn't completely go as planned. We were planning on announcing our pregnancy to the whole family on Saturday at a BBQ. We were so excited and I was hoping I could keep it a secret until then! I scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday right before we left because I just wanted to double check that everything was ok and get a more solid due date than my estimated April 9th. I was 8 weeks 6 days and knew I should be able to see the heartbeat at 6 weeks. I went in and she said I was only measuring 6 weeks 1 day but maybe my dates were off. My heart broke, I knew my dates were not off. There was no heartbeat but she said because the baby was just barely 6 weeks maybe it was just too early. She wanted me to come back in a week to check again but I couldn't because I would be out of town. I was setting up an appointment for when I got back and I asked her, since the baby is measuring over two weeks behind and no heartbeat my chances are not good right and she said "no I'm so sorry, chances are not good" and I started sobbing. She didn't say anything I didn't already know in my heart but I was just hoping there was some type of hope to hold on to. I felt horrible for being such a mess in front of everyone waiting :( About 5 hours after the ultrasound I lost the baby. My mind was racing, was it something I did, I wasn't even breastfeeding this time, I stopped working out, drinking coffee or eating anything bad because I wanted my little bean to have the best chance and it still didn't work. Is there something wrong with me since I've had Bashlyn? The answer is no, its nothing I did. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most of the time it is due to a chromosomal abnormality and the baby would not have been able to survive had the pregnancy continued.
This is the second miscarriage I've had since having Bashlyn. I had one in March at about 7 weeks. I was still breastfeeding Bashlyn at the time and the doctors said that could have had something to do with it but not for sure. I got my positive pregnancy test and 8 days later lost the baby. 8 days doesn't seem like a lot of time but its long enough to plan, love, get excited, talk about names and tell a few friends. This last time I lost the baby a month after my positive test. A month of excitement and love, planning, buying big sister shirts, guessing if its a boy or girl, talking with girlfriends about every little detail of how this pregnancy is so different than the last. Losing a baby at any stage is hard, days, weeks, months, its hard every time. One of the more difficult things is going through something SO difficult inwardly but nobody knows outwardly. I felt like I was in such a blur, I had just seen my baby on the screen and now its gone just hours later. How can it just be done and over? And its not like you can just walk up to someone and say "so I had a miscarriage, even though you didn't even know I was pregnant". You have to wait for someone to ask how you are doing, when are you going to have another, or any question like that and even then its hard to just tell them.
I thought a lot about if I was going to talk about this. I had told a few friends I was pregnant and have since told a few others about the miscarriage. This is an impacting time in my families life and it is important to me to talk about. I know there are a lot of women, and families that have gone through this heartache and they don't talk about it, its almost a "silent suffering". Some may be too scared or think since they miscarried so early they shouldn't talk about it because their pain is nothing compared to a woman that carried longer. Losing a baby is so unfair. Pain is pain, loss is loss, grief is grief, heartache is heartache, no matter how long you carried that sweet angel.
